In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that I’ll let myself sleep when tired, regardless of what time. It’s hard to force myself to sleep when I’m not sleepy as I end feeling worse than if I didn’t sleep.
One thing good that came out of that was thaf I noticed my skin healed faster and was much better. What’s not good though is that my sleeping time is usually in the wee hours of the morning like 5am-7am and I usually fall into a deep sleep only at 1pm onwards. This is really bad for my work and business as I need to contact people within office hours. Thank goodness for those who can still be contacted after office hours. If only everyone’s working time is flexible.
I don’t like the feeling of waking up and thinking that I haven’t been able to get my things done due to my weird sleeping time. I realised I’m one of those who like my time and things planned especially when it comes to work/business. I have a habit of owning a yearly planner since highschool and like to jot down what I need to do or have done. Of course we now have the e-version with computer programs like Calendars with reminders and online apps to jot down daily tasks. Some things can be impromptu and I can be flexible with when it comes to daily life but I like my work scheduled out. There’s that orgasmic thrill when I have my things scheduled out and then carried out nicely according to the time set. Now, this is the part that makes me love event planning so much.
I have been missing hospital appointments. It’s like my life is a bit messed up. I don’t like this feeling at all. Yes, I managed to make my skin better by allowing myself to not stress over anything, put work aside for a short while (though I still ensured I carried out the general work for my business like replying mails and posting blogs at my business site) and sleep when I want to but I don’t feel good about not fully carrying out the work as I want to. There’s more that I can do like going out to network, making calls and more correspondences.
Many won’t understand how hard it is to have illness. It’s really hard to have a good sleep when I have eczema with my skin itching and even painful the whole time. Any contact on my skin will make it itch, dry and painful. Even the slightest wind blows on my skin and that’s it, it sets it to itch. Imagine how painful it is to sleep – I lie down, my skin comes into contact with the bedsheet and it’s painful. I’ve tried sleeping while sitting up, lying down, curled up with my face down on the bed, foetus position, crossed-legged and body folded to the front so that I’m lying my head on my knee to sleep and many more positions. It’s like doing yoga while sleeping. Luckily I’m physically flexible. I keep waking up every 1-2 hours due to the uncomfortableness of my skin condition. I wake up to blood stains on my bedsheet and pillow case due to my skin peeling and cracking. I spend my hours awake scratching my skin. I’ve tried applied medication, steroid, oral medication, music therapy and what not to stop the itch and pain but it’s only temporary relief. The steroid and medication doesn’t work after a while because my body gets immune to it. The only time I don’t scratch is when I’m meditating or focused on exercising. It gets so bad that I can’t even type properly on the computer and a simple post can take up a lot of time because I’m either scratching or I have to wrap my hands up before I can proceed to type.
You want to know what the pain is like ? It’s like having your skin cut up with a knife in different places all over your body, then having salt rubbed all over it, press the wound, then put water onto the wounds and let it sip the water in pain… then repeat the whole processs all over again within a few minutes.
So, tell me, how the hell am I able to carry out my business properly when I’m already struggling with carrying out simple daily tasks for example holding a fork and spoon to eat. I want to do more with my life. I don’t want to just sit at home and try to heal my body. As for the hospital appointments, they usually set the appointments in the morning and I’m already having difficulty sleeping, I can’t even get to the hospital. It’s as though we can only fall sick at a time convenient for the doctor to see us. If the doctor is not seeing patients at a certain time, tell your body don’t even think of falling sick and keep the sickness kept in until the doctor is available. Ridiculous.
I have tried making myself wake up earlier and use up a lot of energy by exercising longer than usual so that I can fall asleep earlier but it’s all in vain. I’ll nod off to sleep but then it will only last for 20 minutes and I’m all awake again until God knows what time it is in the morning before I fall asleep. I don’t think it’s insomia as I can go into deep sleep but the problem is I fall into deep sleep at a time when I would need to carry out office hours’ business work. I need to adjust my mind, body and heart to be aligned with each other. I’ll see what else I can do. For now, it’s still about healing my body and I wish the itch and pain will go away. I also would appreciate it if the people around me can just understand and don’t make stupid comments like “why are you always scratching”. I’m scratching because I like to see my skin peel and I have nothing better to do. Of course not ! If I can choose, I would definitely not want any allergies or illness. I’m fine with strangers I meet who would ask me what happened to my skin and I will answer them but I do not like it if the people that I always see keep talking about my skin condition every day or a few times a day as I do not need reminder about how unsightly my skin condition is. I can see it and feel it. I’m thankful for my family’s concern and helping me to lighten my daily burden like washing my clothes for me or washing the dishes after I’m done eating. Please understand my situation and do not make it worse. I would love to see my skin condition go back to a time when it was smooth and beautiful once again. So smooth that I would want to run my lips all over my skin and kiss it.