In my last post, I wrote about Friendship Day and about the topic of friends.
Honestly, growing up being able to fit in anywhere with anyone yet not particularly belonging to any of these groups did leave me wondering why didn’t I belong to anywhere. In fact, it used to be a lonely feeling. Despite having so many people around me and hanging out with so many groups, I felt lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t depressed at all when I thought about why I don’t belong to any groups back when I was in highschool. Life was great then and I was happy. So happy that I never skipped one day of school during my last 2 years of highschool. My school even gave me certificates for having 100% attendance. I was healthy, active in sports, doing what I like to do in my extra-curriculum activities like choreographing.
Growing up in a middle-income family and as with any family with a parent working in the corporate sector, life gets more comfortable as time goes by as savings goes up. I had a nice family who provided good food without having to worry about living where we have roof over our head in a house and I can shop for whatever clothes I want. I wasn’t born in a super rich family like Ivanka Trump but I’m thankful that I had a comfortable life with luxury more than some. I had friends that I’m happy to spend time with. Fans in school that likes to see me and shower me with much love and gifts. So much so that there was this one time, there was this girl who is a few years younger than me who admired me asked her lesbian partner to send for me when I was in class because she said she won’t stop crying if she doesn’t see me, so her lesbian partner had to go get me. Seriously…
The best gift ever. Item gifts are pointless especially if I don’t use.
I had a boyfriend back then who loved me a lot. So, in case you were wondering, no, I didn’t turn into a lesbian despite so many lurking around showing their love. In that box of love letters and gifts that I said was proof of the females who sent me ‘love’, there also existed ‘love’ from males. It seems that I appeal to both genders. I wasn’t allowed to have bfs in school actually because I had strict parents. Parents think that they know best for their child but it’s not always the case. Oh yes, despite being the (sometimes) obedient child, I have that rebelious streak in me. You can’t make me do what I don’t want to do. If I didn’t have this bf, I wouldn’t have passed my history exam because I admit firstly, I didn’t like to study but also because Malaysian highschool education is not the best in the world. It’s not like I need him to pass my history exam la, it’s just that he cares about me and want the best for me that he would be willing to teach me what’s needed to get better. Our history lesson is very limited and it was in bloody Bahasa Melayu. If you didn’t know, there was this news about our Malaysian history being changed in textbooks just so it favours certain race. Not sure how true this is but I learn more about history from the history channel (online nowadays) than I ever did in my years of studying history in highschool, which I wrote about this before here.
This guy was amazing because he was responsible in his duty being a scout leader of his troop yet he wasn’t those assholic type of person in power (you know the Trump type), he was charming and has many girls (girls because we were in our teenage years) who liked him yet he was loyal and made me feel safe that I won’t have to worry about him cheating, he loved his family, he was religious but not in a fanatic way and dedicated his time to praying (just like how I was back when I was younger but I’m now an atheist) and he was a good friend to his different group of friends, he wasn’t bad looking at all being mixed and of decent height as compared to me. I’m not a fan of my partner being shorter than me, not my thing.
We still kept in touch as we grew up and grew older, and he proved to be the good guy he was, who don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, didn’t abuse alcohol and now has a good job. He did his job as a man to go after a girl, not the other way round like some vampire in some stupid movie who want, then don’t want despite being the one who got that woman interested in the first place. Like some little boy who doesn’t know whether he wants to suck his mama’s titties or go play with his toys at 30 years old. Bloody hell, man up. Don’t know what the woman saw in that vampire and it’s not like she had no other choice with the wolf who liked her much. I have met not only one but a few of this said vampire-type in real life and unfortunately dated them, what the hell was I thinking.
Women out there, please get rid of frail-looking, soul sucking vampires in your life who make you feel worthless and open up your eyes. You’ve got Jacobs in your life. It would be good, though, if your Jacob doesn’t strip off his shirt every chance he has in public like that Jacob in almost every airtime he has in the series of that vampire movie.
If it’s me, I’ll choose… the cars, properties and assets the vampires have. Anytime over the vampire or the wolf. Now, how do I turn the cars and properties into assets as well. When people value things more than life, there’s always a reason behind it. You get sick of humanity (or half-breeds, whatever you call these vampire, human beasts).
To the men who think that women just like bad boys, no. You think women like men who are bad and treat them like shit ? NO. Those sayings like “Don’t treat a woman nice because they won’t like you” or “Women don’t like good guys” are not true. I like good guys who can be responsible LIKE A MAN, who makes me feel safe and like the only woman he will be with in this world and dedicated his time to be with me apart from important matters.
So if this guy was so good, then why am I not with this person now, you ask. Well, as you grow up, you have other matters that will come into your life like money, work and further studies. I was overseas for vacation and came back to him working very long hours, sometimes weird hours that he has no time for us. You have to remember that back then, not everyone has mobile phones and we use landlines, unlike now where it’s so easy to keep in touch. Then I began college and later on he went outstation to study. Every relationship will have its own problem – distance, lack of time and sometimes inteference from outside factor like family will affect it. People change as well. It’s bad enough that with his charm and many girls liking him, I have to deal with jealous girls in my school and with us being in different schools, I have to deal with this on my own. Not very fun when you have to go through problems on your own, if you’re in a relationship with someone else. Might as well be single. At least he was a good guy that made me feel I don’t need to worry about him cheating and I didn’t have to fight him because he was always with me instead of against me. You know how some partners are fighting against you instead of working with you to make the relationship work ? Totally don’t waste your time with those because they will only drain you out. It’s not a pretty thing to have to deal with jealousy, you can see the ugly side of people cropping up but it’s part of life that you experience. Don’t bother and deflect the evil eye by carrying on doing what you do that makes you great.
From thereon, dating relationships kinda went downhill in terms of partner choices. I’m not proud of my partner choices. It’s experiences I have went through and I’m done with it a while back. I have other matters I treat as more important for now. I have seen more than enough different kinds of romances and the not-so-romantics that I can make jokes out of them. Good to have a good laugh once in a while. Not unless there’s someone that can fit what I want as a partner and can at least match my all-roundedness, I have grown to love solitude. I am ambivert, so I’m as extroverted as well as introverted. There were only a small number of partners who could enjoy the wilder side of partying, clubbing and also love spending time at home or sleeping in. Some like to stay in, doing nothing until boring die me or some can’t enjoy the quiet life. For what I want to be in a relationship if I can just stay in on my own and do something useful like learning instead of having to see another person’s face until boring die me. There should be a balance.
When you’re individualistic but hanging out in a group, it’s the feeling like you are in a group but you’re the one who is observing everyone, knowing when there is a friction between who and who, then when things are patched up between them, they will be glued together, going on with whatever topic that excites them which is not of interest to me so I’m kind of an outsider but yet still belonging to that group. If there are only 3 of us in the group, then I’ll be the third-wheel. I kinda got used to it and it’s quite alright after a while, because then I can remove myself whenever I want to, to hang out with other people and knowing the other 2 will have the company of each other and then when I want to, I can always go back and hang out with those 2. I would prefer not to put myself in that situation again when it comes to friendship though as sometimes being caught in between 2 people is no fun. Ideally if there needs to be another person, having just one other friend is enough. Don’t want third-wheeling. Now, it’s just one wheel – myself. 😀
I remember thinking to myself why I didn’t quite fit in thoroughly to any group when I was about 16 when I was walking to my school field to practise sports. Prior to that, I was in class and one of my close friends in class was teasing me about going to sports practise and missing class, so I don’t get to join in on their conversation. Then she turned to another one of my close friends in the group and began their conversation about N’SYNC, a popular boyband in the 90’s which I don’t even bother to know the names of all the group members but I do like some of their songs. My favourite boyband was Backstreet Boys but even then, I don’t follow their news. This is what I mean by I don’t fit thoroughly into a particular group because I spend my time gaining knowledge on something else apart from celebrity news, so I don’t particularly have another person to gossip about celebrities despite being close friends with this group. So I changed and walked to the field on my own because no one else in my class of many students, is doing the same thing like me. Then when I went to the field, I met up with a group of athletes. Now, again I don’t belong fully to the athletes group because as much as I was active in sports, I didn’t represent the school for any track events or sports. I represented my internal school sports house but I chose not to join the school athletics team unlike some of these athletes who joined since Form 1 so they were well trained. Running tracks was something that I got better and better at through practise, so it wasn’t a talent that I was born with.
Anyway, we were at the field to practice netball. It was my first time playing netball and I have never touched it before that while some others know how to play. I used to play basketball but not netball which has slightly different rules so I have to learn. It was a tele-match and a team of us will represent our sports house. So, we practiced and our team actually won. At that young age, I have learnt resilience which is very useful for business. Despite being teased and feeling like not belonging while not knowing a game, I focused and together, we won. Say what you want, I have no feelings when I want to shut my emotions off because I have trained since young. Maybe that’s why I am getting colder and colder with all these nonsense I see everyday. It matters not that I don’t fit fully in a group but what’s important is that once we get together, we co-operate to achieve the goal. Our goal was to win the netball game and regardless if we were from different classes or different athletic levels, we understood what team work and achieving our goal was all about. When you find good teams, you will do wonders. It’s amazing what good co-operation we have. However, if you have a bad team and even if there’s one team member not co-operating, it’s not beneficial for everyone. If only more people realise this.
Those last 2-3 years in highschool, I was balanced and my chakra was spinning right. That’s when your mind can attract the best things and what you want actually comes true. I got what I wanted and more, so it was a plus for me. I didn’t know about the book and movie called The Secrets back then but I watched it just last year. When I saw what was said in The Secrets , I understand. It’s true for those skeptics because I have lived it. I just forgot about it and how to live it. It also doesn’t help that after highschool, it was a limbo of not knowing what I want to do or what course to study because what I want to do, my parents don’t allow.
I wanted performing arts and when asked what I want to study after highschool, I said to study movie directing. It’s actually not what I fully want, because it’s still performing arts creativity type and at least it’s not age limited unlike dance. I didn’t have the dance background in terms of studying dance while growing up because again, parents didn’t want to enrol me in dance class. They forced me to take piano lessons instead. What to do, they are paying for my lessons and it’s not like we have the internet now where you can just learn it online or find some source to either fund the lessons or get knowledge where to learn dance. Yet, I can choreograph dances even with the limited knowledge I have since young. Now, dance choreography is a talent I was born with. I know that by the time I finished highschool, I would have passed that stage of being nimble enough to do well in a lot of dances, that was why I said studying movie directing as it’s something not limited by age. Performing arts wasn’t something that a common study course back then unlike now where it’s taught in many local colleges/universities. We even have lack of information regarding study courses after highschool that we can take a look at during our time. Remember again, internet is not easily available like now. The common courses are like medicine, law, business, engineering, accounting. You know la, Asian parents will get their child to become loktor la, if not loyar la or else enginee-ama la.
My father wants me to take medicine. That was his ambition. What you cannot do, don’t make me do it. Crazy ah, I see needles I already don’t like you expect me to go poke a patient. I’ll probably ask the patient to go and inject himself/herself. Firstly, I wasn’t a study material type, I was super creative, how the hell do you think I will survive through medical school. Secondly, I’m don’t like hospitals or clinics, you think I want to sit at these places and save people’s lives. You see la, parents think they know what is best for their child or they force their child to do something they don’t like and restrict them from doing what they are good at. Good la, then chakra all go haywire and we get unhappier and unhappier, then parents will understand and try to make us better again ? I don’t see it, just push you to a hospital and tell the doctor you’re crazy then let the doctor simply administer nonsensical, unhealthy drugs. They think they have done well with just providing money but not letting you do what you’re good at. I’m not being ungrateful and I try to see the positive side by being thankful but when there’s no care, then I always wonder why would people even want to get married or have families.
Anyway, I have already known the Secret and I just forgot about it. I need to remember it. I have been picking myself up all these while. It’s not like I haven’t been through white picket fence life. Go ahead and make fun or laugh at my misfortunes, I really care not. Laughing is good for health. At the end of the day, I matter to myself and by now, I have learnt to rely on myself. If someone thinks they are helping me, think again because are you sure you know what I need or you’re just doing more damage ? I came to accept the fact that I am different and I grew to understand that this is me. It’s not that I think I’m extra special and deserve any VIP treatment unless in cases where I should be treated like such, but I just know I’m different.
What do you mean different, you ask. Take for example when I mix with the quiet, studious type, we’ll talk about study subjects, knowledge and such but I will still have that loud, talkative side to me which laughs sometimes a bit too loud. Then when I mix with bimbos who talks only about guys, fashion trends, what kind of procedures to make themselves prettier – you know, the type like in the Selfie song (I actually like the song but the part of the woman who keeps yakking non-stop can get annoying) – after some time, my inner intelligent self will start screaming “my brains cannot take this anymore, dumb information overload”. I wonder if they have ever thought about financial planning and creating success for themselves without having to depend on a guy. I prefer to age naturally. Then when I mix with the nerds, let’s say the type who only talks 24/7 about programming languages, law reform or what bills to be enacted, my bimbo-self will be bored to death and I’ll start thinking about what exercise moves to firm my abs, what clothes to wear to the upcoming event, what shoes to match, what dance moves I can groove to Britney Spears songs…
By the way, my favourite artist when I was in highschool was Britney Spears, so what if I have that bimbo side to me. I still like her now and her songs except for one short period when she went a bit cuckoo after her split with her ex-bf and followed on with her split with her ex-husband. You see, that is the problem with choosing the wrong partner in life and having useless guys that bring you down. She was doing so well in her career with her chart-topping albums and making a lot of money until her downfall with these useless men in her life. I’m glad to see her up and all well now, back to dishing out groovy tunes and her amazing dance moves. If you think her dance moves are nothing, think again. She makes it look easy but if you try to dance like her, we’ll see if you’re able to pull off what she’s doing or not. Britney, I hope you never have to deal with another imbecile that will wreck your life ever again.
There’s one particular video I like where you can see Britney Spears back to her glorious pop-princess self despite looking older, in a live performance for Billboard Music Awards 2016 performance, where she’s so fit and looking good in her skimpy outfit. Fuyoooh… If Britney Spears ask me to turn lesbian for her, I’ll say no. There’s a limit to my liking, I’m not a crazy fan.
So you see, I don’t belong to any particular group and I am just individualistic. I know enough of what I need to know to get my life going and I am interested in what I like. I like to be balanced and an all-rounder, knowing that serious matters and having fun goes hand in hand. I include creativity, exercise, making better health decisions yet having some fun like allowing myself to snack on less healthy options, grooming myself, along with the serious side like learning, running my business, gaining financial knowledge and skills.
You can’t stereotype a person just because of their profession. Just because someone is in the legal field, doesn’t mean that person is uptight in suits and spits legal jargons everywhere they go. Just because someone is a performing artist, doesn’t mean that person is illiterate and has no degree. To different people, I’m a different person because they only see a side of me. To the nerds, I’m a bimbo, to the bimbos, I’m the quiet/grouchy one (remember, it’s due to brain overload from dumb information), to the quiet ones, I’m the loud one. I can’t tone myself down just to be one of the quiet ones, I can’t bimbofy myself just to belong to the plastic group because then I won’t be myself anymore. Small adjustments can be made but to totally change myself just to fit in, no.
Now, I embrace myself and love it that I am on my own. The point when I began to accept that is also when my independence got stronger. They say no point trying to make yourself fit in when you’re born to stand out.